Town Meeting voters rename "Lyme-East Thetford Bridge" to "East Thetford-Lyme Bridge" in bold display of local patriotism

This piece is satirical and a fictional account of Thetford's Town Meeting, which took place on March 1st, 2025, at Thetford Elementary School. Despite the imaginary account below, Stella's does in fact have delicious pizza, and Longwind Farm does grow delicious organic tomatoes year-round.

Amidst a flurry of fevered enthusiasm, Thetford voters on Saturday voted unanimously to suspend the rules at Town Meeting to consider a binding resolution to rename the Lyme-East Thetford Bridge to the East Thetford-Lyme Bridge, commemorating its reopening after a long 18-month closure for repairs.

Debate flared when a sole Lyme resident stood to decry the unlawful action, proclaiming, "But New Hampshire owns the Connecticut River! It should assuredly be called the LYME-East Thetford Bridge!" The impassioned argument was met with polite silence—polite only in the sense that Vermont residents were momentarily stunned by the sheer audacity of his claim.

After a brief fact-checking pause, it was determined that the State of New Hampshire is, in fact, responsible for all bridges across the Connecticut River, leaving Vermont with a mere 14% share of expenses for the portion of the bridge that lands on their riverbank. This revelation, however, refused to sway Thetford voters, who held steadfast in their devotion to local pride and geographic accuracy.

One enraged Thetford citizen turned to the Lyme interloper and bellowed, "Stella's may have delicious pizza, but it would be NOTHING without the organic tomatoes from Longwind Farm!"

At this, the Moderator swiftly intervened, reminding attendees that all comments must be addressed to the moderator, not to each other. Despite their attempt to maintain decorum, tensions rose.

"We grow tomatoes YEAR-ROUND!" shouted another resident, waving a fist in the air. "And we're not afraid to throw them!"

Sensing the situation teetering on the brink of agrarian insurrection, the Moderator sought to regain control. Just as a small posse of residents returned from the Elementary School Cafeteria—where lunch was planned for the hungered attendees—bearing boxes of organic Longwind tomatoes, armed and ready for a food fight unseen in our time, the Moderator invoked the Call to Question, cutting off debate and forcing an immediate vote.

The resolution, "Shall the voters of Thetford rename the Lyme-East Thetford Bridge to the East Thetford-Lyme Bridge, effective immediately?" passed unanimously by a show of hands, with the Board of Civil Authority solemnly confirming the vote. The posse of tomato-wielding townspeople, visibly deflated, was instructed to return their cargo to the cafeteria, lest good produce go to waste.

On Monday, town officials diligently began the task of updating all official town maps to reflect the change, while Thetford’s road crew, without hesitation, erected a fresh sign on the Vermont side of the bridge reading: "You are now crossing the East Thetford-Lyme Bridge."

Town Meeting was adjourned without further incident, save for one explicit instruction: the Lyme resident was kindly asked not to speak again.

The renaming of the bridge is not expected to impact Stella’s ability to provide fine pizzas to communities on both sides of the river, although Thetford residents will now have to cross the East Thetford-Lyme Bridge to get there—an adjustment they are prepared to endure for the sake of civic pride and proper cartographic nomenclature.